Book 1

Chapter -2

Hey is there a problem?” my voice echoed along the staircase. I had noticed this guy staring at me before. Well it wasn’t that he ogled at me to make me feel insecure, nor were they the only pair of eyes that scanned me . Studying in an all boys school with only the highschool doped with girls , I had already gathered much attention.

 He was nominated as the head councellor. It was a school event that was much hyped. So hyped that it required rehersals. It isn’t new that women have been holding pom pom and given a lolipop to amuse themselves and people have very generously  called this equality. I ain’t talking about the 90’s . Among all this ,three of the girls were given the ‘opportunity’ to hold the tray . I being one of them.It was just like a some taylor swift song. Among all mayhem, Noise, fun entered the troop of the councellor. Led by our school flag. The rehersal was quite a show in itself . Students and teachers lined up neatly . The fathers’ on stage. We three girls stood behind the drapes. The band played well. The synchoronous and pomp sound itself rose my anxiety. I kept peeping out. And there in the second line second from the last HE  entered. It wasn’t attraction. And No It wasnt love at first sight.  It was just that I wanted to draw this guy’s attention. Not be his girl, but wanted him to notice me. Well as it happened I could also see him looking at me. And I thought , baby got the bait. 

After that day all I could see was that guy not missing a chance to loose a tiniest vision of me . I liked that chase.I liked this guy. 

His hair stood straight , yes nulling the law of gravity.Deep eyes. Tall , taller than me !!! He had an atheletic body.Wearing the school dress with that elan , cool ! Well fitted hay brown pants and cream shirt with neat oxford shoes. What enticed me more was his quiet alluring personality. He was some kind of a hot nerd that girls dream about. But the question was how on earth was this gold not dug yet. How come he is single . ( yes i got all the informations).

Hey is there a problem?”  my voice echoed along the staircase.“No , nothing”  he said and rushed upstairs to the library.I smiled .We talked! It was just a twenty second thing . But it happened.

I have never had a good thing with girls. I guess I am not meant to have girlfriends. Big deal! Huh!  I had my own group in middle school with two girlz and 4 boys and I had the best time . I never pondered over this. But when you are stuck amid a testesteron secreting factory of 700 boys , yes u  need a girlfriend more than anything. So there I had my only friend , the only girl I could feel talking to, AP.  Sweet , calm innocent and yeah crazy she was all a typical bengali girl could be. Before we move further , HE  has a name and that name is $&. SO  $& had a quiet, shy nature that I found alluring. He used to stare just me . We had a 20 sec talk . I has happy. Now in the whole world  , among all the convents , among all the girls $& chose AP to share himself. 

I used to stand the whole time outside the class waiting for her. And to my utmost surprise that later turned to horrifying burst of anger, I watched them come out of the class. Merry, happy , so satiated with their little talks . The worst part was when they crossed me with that soothing smile all i gave was shit sugarcoated in sweet gestures. I didn’t have a thing with $&. AP had recovered from a heartache from her previous relationship. I should feel happy that she finally found solace in someone worth. Someone even I could like. Call this human nature , not jelousy, but I couldn’t see that guy taken. Any guy from that hundreds not him. And any girl but AP. That was really a thing. I thought to let it go and I focussed on my ex. Well I saw it a priority at that moment to make karma work. To make him go through that excrutiating , heart wrenching pain and agony one feels when you leave unsaid, unexplained .I didn’t want him . I wanted the fair play. I wanted to stop all the bullying and name calling . Carve on his chest with a nail and let the whole world know, I was all good and clean and I loved this guy. This wasn’t a mistake. But how could I think about this , when the good guy who used to ogle at me all the time is having his shakesperean romance with my best friend. I think I cursed the ambience. The roman statuets , lush green field hovered with tall trees. The soothing breeze could make anyone fall in love .

I started spending more time with AP. In the pursuit she leaves $& alone and he forgets about all that was happening. But this was more torchorous than seeing them together gliding romantically around the garden area. All the time she kept chattering about him and I pasted that smile on my face. It was among these discussions that once I had a fight with my ex. I ran to the class to get AP. And there she was alone in the class with $&. I slid all other thoughts. In an overexcited psyched tone I fummbeled about the whole incident. “Stop talking so loud above my head”. Well the expression and tone was correct as I talked like a complete maniac but the voice was masculine. And to utter amzement , to pin my heart more it was $&. “I have heard a lot, you talk so much , go outside.” Well that was a blow straight on my chest as it pounded that exact moment. A pretty girl weeping and telling a sad story expects some tissue and words of comfort. My hypothalamous burst as I felt cold and hot at the same moment. This wasnt expected.Period!


Book- 1 .. 


My heart thumped as he unzipped my jacket. The soft smell of the perfume unlocked.It was the first time I felt someone’s hand so close to myself. I felt his warm breath on the pink bralette that exposed the supple bossom. Beneath it my heart pounded as every moment ticked ahead. 

It was December. I have been dating this guy for an year. But that day it felt like my whole world shrunk into a capsule.I felt that small capsule pleasing. Solace among all wrongs ,he was what I felt right. Not my prince charming but yeah my knight in shining armour. I had that swooning maiden elan. Yes i was in my teens. Hormones were building. Stupid it may sound but that what what I felt. 

(School bell rung ) 

Ap: rush! Assembly bell 

I skipped a step or two and jumped on the ground. All ran towards the main gate. It was my first day in high school. I kept tugging in my shirt and pulling my skirt up. There were’nt much moments when I had shaky legs but this was a totally different issue. I had always fantasised about this school DE NOBILI FRI. An all boys christian missionary. Tall roman architecture with figurative sacred art . The catholic statues. Well the elan of Roberto Denobili didn’t fascinate me. Neither was I from a convent that I sulked for a single sight of a male . It was that I was going to see my ex ,two months post our breakup. And all  I wanted to come out was good and clean. Yes , and a girl to die for among his friends. 

 We rushed inside the school. Made the line formation according to our classes. I looked around . Boys !!! I had come from a coeducation school but there’s something mysterious about the boys who havent felt a feminine presence . Yea i got the red herring the next moment ,  eyes oogling at me. Fine ! A good start. Before us stood a malificient building . Like that of catholic church architecture . With big gapped windows tappered with roman design and a cross over them painted in contrast. On the division of the windows were vertical strips carved with a diya, a lotus and moon . All of this looked so serene and gentle . It was a 15 min assembly . But the reflexes of my eyes seemed to be more functional than my ears. I watched the seniors girls. My skirt inched below my knee. The shirt hung loose . The socks tightly locked my calves. Hair tight held behind. The only thing good were my new shiny shoes.

After the assembly , the line formation departed into the three exits. I loved the management. Well, I entered my class. Quick scan and I found my ex. Bald, skinny , thug. But yea i liked him. I stood for a while trying to find a place to fit my ass into. Bingo !!! The only seat vacant was next to him. I glided through the space. Beckoned to the boy sitting infront of the vacant seat , and in the softest voice i could ever say ” could you please move to the next seat ?”  All I remember next is an awkward look and the boys hooting insanely. 

While I was already so busy with my life and the seats, little did I know that my love story had already begun. 

The high school had two sections. Science and commerce. I had a deal with my dad that I would crack my engineering exams only if he let me study in THAT school. I landed up in taking science. He after all the pressure, research, talking , councelling chose commerce. I am 5 8′. Its rare to find a girl that tall in my place. I stood last in the line . The adjacent line had the commerce boys. He is 5 11′. A normal tall boy. It was the first time he noticed me. Well, it was the first time he saw me. Stood infront just to be at my side and stare the whole time . Oblivious to that I kept pulling my skirt up watching the other girls. Little did I know , there were things differently planned for me . All that came next were surprises in  little box of chocolates.



‌Its heart wrenching …. Its like someONE forced his hand into my mouth &pulled out the lungs. Like million pins poking the aorta walls . Its like you are thrown in the sea.. And you gasp for the last deep breath …
Yes it felt so, when HE LEFT ME….
I knew he wasn’t going to stay with me forever. Forever is too big a word .And I have never believed in promises. There were times when I used to rest my head on his lap. He so lovingly used to fondle. I MISS THAT TOUCH…

People often said , we have things in common. He used to give that soothing smile. All I did was throw that naive laughter. I MISS THAT CLICK …

Its really hard to put me to sleep at night . Its like all the blood gushing into my head at once and all the thoughts have a giant marathon in the cerebra of thoughts. Its hard to explain a not so common insomnia .. Coz i sleep like a cow in the morning … But HE always understood it. All my weird thoughts and dreams had a cave … And he was my caveman … I MISS OUR LATENIGHT TALKS…

Things were all good.. There was love, Care, respect , fun … and there was FEAR… FEAR OF LOOSING HIM ..
I sat beside him . Weeping , sulking , and a hope that he stays. He stayed stoned. No emotions . I held his hand ,tight and tighter as i howled out his name in despair. He looked into my eyes . I saw the calmness and i sulked even more . He smiled and left me .He took the last breath as my parents rushed to him. My Baba left me… AND I HATE TO SEE THAT BED EMPTY , CAUSE I MISS HIM…

The empty chair!!

The empty chair!!

It was  a random summer evening …. Well I need to restart… It was a really hot summer evening. I and my “special friend ” 😀  sat in a park. It was just a small park .  It wasnt technically a park either . It was the central part of the market. Huge lush green neem trees surrounding that part . There were four benches . We sat on one of them. But what fascinated me were the four empty chairs at one corner. Weird? Huh!!!


The market was a cool place . Young , old , middle age , all hung out. Cafes, restos, and that  “FAMOUS ROLL SHOP ” (THAT MY SPECIAL FRIEND KEPT CHANTING) tingled my taste buds. I think that the aroma like a serpent slithered through my nosetrills … The place was fun. BUT THE CHAIRS WERE EMPTY.  I may sound a psycopath if I mention this again that the chairs were empty ,but it pinched a quick imagination into my head.

Just imagine , the four chair, the four empty chair , the four empty chair who could talk and feel just like us. The feeling of being unwanted. Imagine how desperate and sad they would be when we passed them unnoticed. How dwsperate they would be (for our butts).They have people around them , not with them. The feels !!!! Of being useless, uncared. All they have is each other . Resting side by side alway. Through seasons,through days and nights. Well I imagine them as old couples. Now i guess you definitely concider me crazy. But trust me if you start framing what i wanna say you will soon get it.

The central part of the park is just like the center of our life and everything is around it . The fun , the business, the chats, the relationships, friends , gizmos,chats, work, fights, and the famous roll shop tickling my salivary glands, all surround it. We rarely come to the centre to discuss all these cause we do not find a NEED to do that. Coz our comfort zone is somewhere else . And the four empty chairs are the old couples … Yes you know them , you know it well that they feel alone coz u arent there . Now imagine them . Can u? Yes!! Its your parents or  grand parents. I believe now you dont think i m a psycopath.

Feels! Right? I guess , itz good to create your own world , but wouldn’t it feel better if we filled a little void in there heart… Hold on to your chair !!!!!!!  I am already calling my mom!

First blog post … U r special<3

First blog post … U r special<3

I am no one . I have no high degree . I dont belong to any high class family. I haven’t achieved any milestone to boast about in this post.I am basically an average student who just passes her exams. Well , before you presume that I am a beautiful dumbhead, putting all your hopes down , i am a skinny dusky average looking small town girl.I dont have a flattering social life nor do i have thousands of friends. I am not atall being too humble here. Neither I am depicting a negative self image about myself . Its just that i am writing the TRUTH.


I have been running away from this for my entire life. TO BE SOMEONE. That someone was my classmate who cracked IIT JEE in her first attempt , and in being that SOMEONE  I landed in a small private college in the suburbs of NCR. Well i coudnt do anything about being of some rich royal blood . All I ended up doing was stalked the shit out of people in facebook. And to be that SOMEONE , I became a totally different person . I sometimes felt like a lump of chopped meat labelled under Subway… Ya i wasnt subway , i was just meat …. TO BE “SOMEONE ” , I FORGOT MY OWN WORTH.



Just lay down and watch the star studded sky …. Its beautifull ! They all look the same . But if u concentrate a bit ( don’t pop off your eyes (-_-) ).Some stars shine brighter than the other. Some are bigger. If u are lucky enough , u can also see a couple of falling stars.


The best part is they are unique in there own way and they are breathtaking …. So why to worry about ‘that someone ‘ when you are already YOU … YES YOU READING THIS BLOG … YOU ARE SPECIAL… ❤